“It’s not IS God going to provide for and protect me. It’s How He’ll accomplish that.

Ah, the glories of JCrew sermons. Always visual. Always with jokes throughout. Always with stories that you may wish were not actually true (It’s time…for the bodywash). And somehow, always so applicable. I love the mix I receive as a believer from attending the larger worship services and my life group, with lessons purely aimed at a community of adults, and attending Saturday night junior high, where the lessons are not aimed at me, but rather, at a more basic, clear understanding of the Bible to lay the groundwork for their future lives of serving Christ and others. All that purely means: Josh is awesome, but not anywhere near as awesome as the lessons God is continually trying to hammer into my head. Not with a hammer, mind you, but in a continual method that needs to be hammer-like in order to make it through to me.

Thus the quote above. Now, I’ve professed believing that God will serve and protect me for my whole life, because I am His beloved daughter. Period. Looking back on my life, even, say, just my married life, it’s chrystal clear the ways and times where we needed x,y or z, and God met that need in an exact way that I couldn’t even have dreamed of.

But in the midst of this, I realized something. Though I do trust God, I trust Him in a different role than I should. I trust Him in a sort of distant-grandparent sort of way. As if He didn’t orchestrate my life, but rather, was always in the wings if I need it or to offer congratulations at rising above life’s challenges. Or to offer stories of “when I was a boy…” 

Thus, when I hit a crisis, which as anyone who knows me has learned that it is almost exactly every six months. Sometimes to the day!!! Even though I know God can and has and will provide, what I tend to think is something like this:

Aright God, I dunno what you’re doing. In fact, I’m quite upset at the fact that you saw the need to shake up a path that I thought was finally coming to some fruition. But it’s okay. Because I will save this. I will work hard, be aggressive, become exhausted, and save the world. Or at least, save my home and jobs and marriage and dreams. I’ll do it. I’m ready. Okay, I’m taking off now. I’m still not very happy with you. But I know you can provide.”

Not very trusting, is it. Or at least, not in the right person. I trust myself. I am confident, talented, and a hard worker. I trust my husband to comfort me when those other three things break down. I trust most people to let me down, but it’s okay, I can solve my own problems. And, oh yes, I trust God to be there.

But, it’s a question that has to be asked: Why do I trust that God will be there, but that He’s too busy or distracted or determined not to provide for my needs?

Case in point (to prove me wrong, as it were). Three weeks after losing a temp job I’d been told for weeks I’d be gaining full-time status at, I landed a better job, with better benefits, closer to home, with more flexibility and challenges. Tim lands a job, after commuting a half an hour to a job he didn’t really appreciate (or v. versa), literally 2 miles from our home, with a Christian vision and mission and kindred spirits. Even when he looses said job, his pay in the past year at one time was enough so that even on unemployment, we make exactly how much it takes to pay our bills, combined with my two jobs. Exactly enough. How’s that for God’s math skills?

And yet it’s a fight for me. Because I am self-sufficient. Ask my parents, I always have been. I packed my bags to run away and start my own life at about 4 years old. My dad even helped me pack! I’ve travelled internationally by myself, led large groups of people by myself, planned entire campus-wide events by myself, gotten jobs and degrees and leadership positions by myself. Why would I assume that God needs to do these things for me? I’m fine with Him waiting in the wings. I’m fine to “pray continually” for others who are actually in need. I’m fine to receive a high-five from Him when I finally get that interview I’ve been waiting for for two years.

You see where the trouble is. I know there’s about 1,000 Bible verses to prove me wrong. To say that He is the author and Perfector, the Great I Am, mightier than anything I can imagine. I know it. I’ve read it, preached it, taught it, and tried to lead by example of it.

But I failed. I do everyday, it shouldn’t be such a surprise.

I’m going to take a second and pull some quotes from my favorite blog, “Stuff Christians Like.” I actually printed this out (which, if you know me, I never print anything out without express direct from the government for tax purposes).

“Although I fall repeatedly and feel shame at my weaknesses, God will never see that and reject me by saying, “Again? Again? Again?” I think that when Christ rose, the statement “again?!” died…He’s God. He’s bigger and wilder and more loving than we can even fathom.”

And you know what else? He can provide for me. He doesn’t need me to save the day. He loves me, and He loves my help, and He loves my passion to tackle the world, but He doesn’t love it when my pride and determination get in the way of Him doing the amazing things He orchestrates.

He is sufficient.