Intensity of Emotion (a.k.a. chaotic passion)

I'm the type of person that talks to myself in my head. Don't worry, there are no multiplicities up there, but while on the exterior I will appear calm and productive, on the inside I could be having a nervous breakdown. This bodes well for keeping my vocational endeavors, but does nothing for my mental health.
The reason I talk to myself in my head most often, other than when I make some sort of blunder I didn't mean to (forgetting to lock the bathroom door in a unisex restroom and looking up blankly as the CEO strode in), is the everyday challenge to put the passion I feel into my activities. The problem there is not so much that I do not sport passion as a main characteristic, nor that I am unsure of how to apply my enthusiasm and excitement to my mundane daily life. Its more that I have so much passion that I cannot seem to find a middle ground on which to display it.
When I say middle ground, I mean an in-between stage that entails an enthusiastic but steady level of passion to demonstrate my love for (fill in the blank), without tipping to the overly dependent on outcome side, or the apathetic side. Those are the two norms I excel at.
For example, if there's a writing opportunity I find out about, I will do everything needed to secure the story or possibility. I will maintain regular contact, provide writing samples, speak with individuals on the phone, conduct preliminary research, and make it presistently clear that I have all of the passion required (along with the experience and skills) to make it happen with style and pizzazz.
But sometimes it doesn't work out. Then in my head, the discussion starts. "Just stop caring. It's not your problem. You're still great at what you do. Stop depending on stuff like that. Be self-confident. Be independent, not dependent," and so on. In essence, in my brain I tell myself that to survive everyday dissapointments, I need to be apathetic. Which is impossible.
So I yo-yo back and forth, up and down. Agressive, full of life, determined, on-the-ball, dissapointed. One day I told myself "I wish I could buy stock in dissapointment, I would be making a fortune by now."
I had this very conversation in my head this morning, when I was about to open an email with the deciding fate of an opportunity I was expectant and happy about the possibility, but apprehensive enough to save the email for later, when the cementing or shattering of the idea would not effect the whole rest of my day.
I lasted until about ten thirty. When I opened the email, I found a short and straightforward response: the door was closed to me.
While my brain starting yelling about how I should not let this affect me, my body did the right thing by picking up the phone and calling to leave a thank-you message for the solid communication. My brain continued discoursing on all of the ways I am awesome and how I should keep looking to do what I love. Only my brain was telling me to find the openings, make my excitement for the possibility known, and then forget about it. That way, if I stop hoping and waiting on finding out if the window is open and I can fly through, I won't be let down when and if I get rejected. Again.
So the conversation continues. While my brain is intelligent (I like to think), it does not know everything. Yes, the logical side argues to remain apathetic and hope will not be dismayed. The logical side, in as far as it can see or feel, is correct.
But it does not apply to the rest of me. For the logical side is void of passion, exuberance, and glow. The rest of me (body, spirit, emotions) are filled with those qualities, and thus, I cannot be
apathetic.
But nor can I maintain this draining level of passion for everything. Thus, finding the middle ground.

I haven't discovered how to do that yet.

Except.

There's this one thing. Not a breaking of emotion, nor discarding of heart, but a tempering. A solidifying and calming of the strength within me. I cannot do the tempering myself, as we have seen. but Someone can.


and He is faithful.